This is a picture of my "little brother" and myself the day of his missionary farewell. I have finally pinpointed one reason I've been so depressed lately. Caleb is my cousin and he's been my best friend since before my sophomore year of high school and we would drop everything any time one of us needed the other. We chat every Wednesday via very quick e-mails and about 2 weeks ago I asked him if, by reading my e-mails from the past month or so, he knew why I was feeling the way I was. He asked me if I had been reading my scriptures and praying as often as I was a year ago. I laughed at him and told him that the question he had asked was a mom question. I asked him if he was going to give me a scripture reference. I guess that's my defense mechanism to joke around and change the subject as quickly as it had been brought up. Before he brought it up, I just thought that my depression had been brought on by loneliness, which in part, I still believe that is part of my depression, but it's not the major part of it. So my new goal, thanks to Caleb is to read and pray as often as I was when I was truly happy!!

On another note, Possibly connected with my depression... I have been quite the scrooge this Christmas season. My family turned on the Christmas music in November. I don't normally listen to Christmas music until December, or if I'm really feeling in the  mood I'll listen to Christmas music maybe once in a different month, but not very often. It usually has to be in December. While normally I don't mind if someone wants to start their Christmas music a little early, this year it would make me super angry. I would just go sit in my room and sulk because of Christmas music. It was a little odd for me. I usually love the Christmas season, but not this year. I didn't listen to Christmas music until Christmas day because it would just irritate me. I am a little weird. I'll even be the first to admit it.

This weird-o funk has had some good things come of it as well. One of my best friends from high school and I haven't really been that great of friends lately. In fact both of us had decided that we would never be friends again. On one of my really low days, I called her to see if we could just talk and we realized that the fight we had, was stupid and we are working on being friends again. It actually has been very nice. I realized how much I missed her. So, I suppose that it's been a good month in a way as well.

Oh, how I LOVE driving in the snow!!!

I am constantly joking to my coworkers about getting stuck in a snowbank in Mapleton because they don't plow the roads. Well, this morning I left an hour early to get to work. I was pulling out of the parking lot of the park next to my house and since there is such a large dip in the road there, I was driving on the sidewalk to where it's level with the road. I mis-judged horribly and got quite stuck in the snow. Lucky for me the City Tree people were just getting to work and 3 men I couldn't really see (though I'm sure they were highly attractive due to the fact that they helped me) came to my rescue. They were very kind and pushed me out of the snowbank. I did feel like an idiot because I was on the sidewalk and I'm sure they thought I was stupid, but the trick usually works. I'm just sayin'. I hate driving in the snow.

Florida

Pretty much I'm feeling much like a slacker. I haven't posted anything on my blog since September. So... here's my quick update. (It has to be quick because I have to go pick everyone's lunch up in 9 minutes.) My best friend in the whole entire world got married last weekend so I flew to Florida to be one of her bridesmaids. Honestly, it was quite an emotional time for me. This girl has been my best friend since the 10th grade and I don't see her much as it is. She lives in Ohio and I see her about 3 times a year if that. We had a blast together last week. I got to Florida on the 4th and the first thing we did was hit the beach. It was dark and so pretty. The way the moon reflected on the water was just gorgeous. I couldn't catch the perfect picture though, so I had to let it go pictureless. On Thursday night we went to a restaurant called the Mai-Kai. It was a polynesian restaurant and had some awesome dancers. I honestly don't know how those women's hips move that way. I had to try it out! Friday was her rehearsal and I cried through it. I was so happy for her. Her birth-mom was there and I just kept thinking how this day almost never happened. It was insane. We went to the rehearsal dinner and all of us had a little cry. It was funny because 4 people started crying at the same time, but for totally different reasons. It was quite entertaining. Saturday was the wedding and I cried through the whole ceremony. I was pretty scared actually because it was a catholic ceremony and I was afraid I was going to do something wrong. Friday night, we said goodbye and cried some more. I realized that this girl makes me funny. She laughs at my jokes, which doesn't really happen. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'll miss her forever just as I always have, and I'll love her dearly just as I always have. She will always be my best friend!

Worlds crappiest sister award goes to...

ME!! Yup that's right. Certain events have taken place that I feel so bad about, and I wish I could go back in time and do everything differently. My big sister accidently ran into my little Hyundai with her large Durango. In case you were wondering, which would win in a fight, it would be the Durango! We had to file a police report so we could get the insurance to pay for it and my sister got a ticket. I feel so bad, I can hardly stand it. Had I though that begging the police officer not to would have helped I would have been down on my knees. I feel like crap and it was about 24 hours ago. I feel very sick about it and I wish I could take it all back. I have recently come to the realization that the accident was all my fault. See, I got angry earlier that day and went for a drive, when I returned my sister was parked in my spot so I took the spot in the park parking lot. Had I not been angry, she wouldn't have been in my parking spot. She would have been in another and everything would have been fine. Perhaps this is why I feel so bad. I really do wish that I could take it all back.

May

I knew that May was going to be a crazy month, what with 3 weddings, 4 birthdays and 1 awesome mothers day, but I didn't know it was going to be this stressful. On May 11th I went to my first ob-gyn appt. As she was doing my breast exam, she felt a lump. Working in a Dr.'s office, I know that a lot of the lumps found are cysts, but it's still a little scary. My Dr. wanted me to get a mammogram, which freaked me out a little more, because I knew there were other ways to know if it was just a cyst without going to a mammogram first. I scheduled my mammogram for May 20th, which also happened to be my best friends wedding. I decided not to tell him about anything yet, because who really wants to hear about that on their wedding day or anywhere near for that matter? I went down to have my mammogram, and the first thing the lady asked me was, "How old are you?" I responded with, "I'm 22." and she said, "Wow, you know that's really young, right?" At that point, I just started bawling. She felt really bad for making me cry and was hugging me and trying to make me feel better, but nothing really helped. She handed me a box of tissues and continued on with the questions. By the way,don't ever let anyone tell you that a mammogram doesn't hurt, because the pain alone is enough to make you bawl. When that was over, I was expecting to go put my clothes back on and go back to work, but instead, they wanted me to stay to have an ultrasound as well. I called my boss to see if it was ok if I missed a little more of work, she of course told me yes. As I sat in the room waiting for the ultrasound tech, I couldn't help but freak out a little. I was thinking about how young I was and honestly if it was a cancerous lump, how lucky I would be to have gone to the ob/gyn when I did. But on the other hand, maybe ignorance was bliss. She called me in and I had my ultrasound and she didn't say anything the whole time. I did notice that she kept going over the same spot. When I was done, I walked in and changed my clothes and walked back to the second floor, and back into Internal Medicine. When I walked in I just started crying again and Kathy, my boss, gave me a huge hug and told me that no matter what, everyone there would be there for me. I can't tell you how freaked out I was. A week later, I still didn't have any results. I called their office and they were out. The next day, I received a phone call, and she asked me if I had a minute to talk. Of all the things to say to me, that wasn't the right thing. She told me that all of my labs came back normal, and my pap came back normal, and that the mammogram didn't find anything. I can't tell you how relieved I was. I got off the phone with her and looked at my boss, and both of us cried again and I told her that everything was going to be OK. It was, in all honesty, the most emotional month, I have ever been through. I now know the meaning of the phrase, "emotional roller coaster." I am so happy that everything is OK. I only told one of my friends and after I told her my results, she told me that she was praying all month long for me, and that she knew everything was going to be OK. I am so thankful for the power of prayer. I know that I wouldn't have made it through this month without it. I am also very thankful for my family and my friends. I truly am very blessed. So I thank all of you!!! And I love all of you. This month really made me rethink a lot of things and I know that's what I needed.

Laziness

I apologize, I have not been very good at keeping up on my posting. So... here's a little recap.

About 2 weeks ago I went to San Diego and lost my phone in a hole in a rock that was filled with water. It was a very fun trip. Very spur of the moment. I was basically told by my boss that I had to go because I work too much. We went to the zoo and played in the ocean. It was a much needed trip. I went with two of my friends, Mike and Holly. It's so weird because for some reason we will not hang out for months and then suddenly go on a trip or an all day outing and we have a blast. It's crazy. But I love it. It was weird because the only day I burned was the day I wore sun screen. Crazy? I think it's a sign that I should not wear sun screen.

I also got a new hair style. I love getting my hair done. It is one of my very favorite things in the world to do. I think it is so relaxing. It was funny because I told Megan to do something drastic and while she was drying my hair this girl walked up to me and says, "weren't you blonde when you walked in here?" I would think they would be used to that. I love my new hair.

Well, I had better go, conference is started once again. I again apologize for my laziness, I will try to be better.

Amazed

Today has been one of the worst days since I have started working at the clinic. I've been yelled at by Dr.'s before, I've been made to feel stupid by Dr.'s before. But never have I physically wanted to harm someone this way before. There is a Medical Assistant that works with me and we all call her princess. She doesn't do her job even a little bit. Everyone does her job for her and yet SHE gets a raise. She doesn't answer her phone calls and I get yelled at for it. She doesn't wish to be paged overhead so WE are to get the information on the patient and IM her who is calling and why and she will DECIDE if she WANTS to take the call. Even if she has called them back and they are RETURNING their call. I had had it today. I wasn't playing her stupid little game. I started paging her overhead, just to show our administrator, Mark, how many RETURN calls she gets. I started paging her from my first call I got for her this morning. At about 10, Dr. Nobuhara comes up and starts quizzing me on why Jen is the only one getting paged. Why don't any of the other MA's have phone calls coming in? What did he think? That I was making up phone calls for her? I seriously got 5 return phone calls for her this morning. And out of the 5 she answered 1. And I had to page her 3 times for her to answer that 1 call. I was so mad I was shaking. I was mad because I was getting yelled at. Then for Dr. Nobuhara to come up to me and start quizzing me on why she is the ONLY one getting phone calls sent me right off the nice edge. I was so mad that these angered sobs just started coming. I ran into the bathroom and tried so hard to control my crying but I couldn't. I was so mad. A few girls from work whom I love dearly came and knocked on the door. I came out and still was sobbing. I went back to talk to Mark and he was in a meeting so I went back to my desk and tried to answer calls as best I could. I was still so mad though that I was shaking and crying. At about 11, Mark came back to his office and I had almost calmed down, but by the time I had gone back to his office, I had started sobbing again. I was a little embarrassed because one of my young women's leaders was sitting in front of Mark's office and here I was bawling. I went into Mark's office and the first thing he says to me is, "Annalisa, you don't look so good. Come in and sit down." Thank you, Mark. I'm glad I don't look so good. But we talked it all out and he told me what to do about it. It made me feel a little better to know that he was on my side and not Dr. Nobuhara's. As I was walking out of his office My old young women's leader said, "Anna, don't be sad." It's amazing how much those four words can really help a situation like that. On the upside my anger did make my morning go by really quickly. I am so very lucky to have such great people working here with me who really honestly care.

Sundance

I went up to the Sundance Film Festival to "star gaze." One of the bazillion times walking up Main Street, we saw Kevin Bacon. I was all sorts of excited because rumor had it, all the stars were boycotting Utah. Not only that, but we didn't really expect to see anyone famous because we just didn't. So I walked up to him to ask him if we could take a picture with him. I said his name and he gets this smug smile on his face and walks passed me. We were talking later and I should have yelled, "My dad wants your autograph!" But I wasn't that quick witted. Not 5 minutes later, the girl I was with started hitting me, HARD. I looked up and saw Elijah Wood. She asked me to go talk to him, so I did. I walked up to him and said, "Elijah Wood?" He turned around and I said, "Can we get a picture with you?" He smiled and said, "Sure, I'm in a hurry though, so this has to be fast." So we quickly got a picture with him. I however was not in the picture because the girl taking the picture took it as I was behind him. All you can see is my hair and my hood. I was pretty bitter about it. We continued walking some more and saw Eve and Mo Nique. We finally decided we had better eat soon because the line outside the restaurant was way long. We were sitting in line and I took out my camera to take a picture of Shalee's picture of Elijah Wood. As I took my camera out 3 big guys came in and saw my camera. They said, "Do you want a picture with us?" I had no idea who they were, so I said, "Sure!" They made the comment that they saw me take my camera out and just figured I saw them coming in. After I sat back down, a TON of people flocked these guys and they got in the restaurant a lot faster than anyone else. So they had to be someone. The restaurant we were at didn't take reservations or anything. We finished eating and trying to figure out who the guys were, and we were once again walking down Main Street and saw TI. In fact I'm pretty sure I bumped into him. I won't lie, I didn't know who he was. I had to ask someone. We saw Jason Ritter and Ryan Cabrera and some very attractive news caster man. We didn't take any other pictures though, because we were very tired and figured they were too. We figured it was a very successful evening. Especially after I spent a fortune at the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory. It was an awesome day. I will however, never watch another Kevin Bacon movie as long as I live. I am now boycotting Kevin Bacon. I will soon post the pictures I have of the three big guys and if anyone can tell me who they are, I will be very happy about it.